Outside my window... It's clear, frosty and cold - and dark.  As usual I'm writing this well after my kidlets are in bed.  I just lit the fire to warm the house up before bed.

I am thinking... about my hard-working husband.  He drove five lambs to market today, stopped by Lee Valley to get hardware for a kitchen he's building and picked up our new (to us) car.  He left well before eight this morning and isn't back yet (at nine tonight!).

I am thankful for... the thoughtful friend who GAVE us her old car.  It's been very well-maintained and even though it's older than our current vehicle it has 100, 000 LESS km, as well as four doors and a working trunk!  I'm so excited!  Our little family has long since outgrown my well-used two door cavaliere!  I'm also thankful the second thoughtful friend who drove down with my husband to drive our truck back home for us - sacrificing a day off at this busy time of year!

From the learning rooms... Silas can now identify the letter sound of every letter in the alphabet except for D/d, E/e and Y/y.  So exciting!  I had no idea he knew so many of them!  I've ordered a few books to guide me along teaching to read as that will probably come in the next year or so - neato!

From the kitchen... absolutely nothing!  I've been sick all week so I've served uninspired meals and leftovers.  Today was such a busy day, then we went to my parents' for dinner as it was my dad's birthday.  So dismal in there, I must make amends tomorrow!

I am wearing... warm clothes.  I spent a lot of time outdoors today and I haven't had a second to change into anything more comfortable.  Funny I come here to blog but don't consider myself to have spare time lol!

I am creating... My creations are finished!  Silas and I made ten Christmas Cards for an international card swap and mailed them out yesterday.  I've already written both my family's Christmas letter as well as my extended family's Christmas letter.  I hope to get a chance to make some wreaths for my door, my parents' door and possibly my grandparents' and sister's doors as well in the coming week.


I am going... to check the fire soon.  It's chilly in here and I'd like it to hurry and warm up so it's more welcoming for my husband.  I also need to put the puppies in their crate downstairs for the night before some opportunistic coyote has them for a bedtime snack!

I am reading... Monsterblood Tattoo book 3.  Can you believe it?  I'm embarrassed to write that out here but my husband really enjoyed it, so I ordered a copy for him as soon as it was in print.  He wanted me to read it so he had someone with whom to discuss it.  But shhhhh . . . don't tell anyone!  I'm actually kind of enjoying it, as I did the first two books in the series.

I am hoping... for a serene, restful Christmas.  It sounds like this year we don't have a Christmas Eve engagement, rather an afternoon engagement (read early bedtime for the littles!), as well as only one dinner on Christmas - again in the afternoon, rather than evening (as opposed to TWO, and again, read early bedtime for the littles!).  Instead, this year, we'll have dinner with my parents on Boxing Day rather than Christmas, followed by a small gift exchange with extended family that evening (read late bedtime for the littles lol!).  One late night out of three will be such a blessing!

I am hearing... Our oldest dog snoring.  He's semi-retired, although he won't admit it, and lately he's really began to snore!  I like it, it's a comforting sound somehow.  As long as it's not in my bedroom at night!  Whoops!  And the puppies barking! I'd better go check that out . . . There!  Puppies safe and fire stoked.

Around the house... It's beginning to look a bit like Christmas.  We won't get our tree or do our major decorating until this weekend, but there are definite signs here and there.  From the stockings drying in the laundry room to the Christmas books on our reading ledge - I'm getting excited!

One of my favorite things... A long hot bath.  Maybe where I'm headed next?

A few plans for the rest of the week:  A half birthday tomorrow with a good friend and her six month old daughter.  Not a party with cake and gifts, per se, but an excuse to get together with kids at a great little bakery in town (partly owned by a mom my own age - love it!).  My mom is coming to help me with some house projects - need to get a to-do list worked out, and of course, the tree and all the decorating!  As the wrapping is practically done, I'm hoping to enjoy the season with my boys making cut-out cookies and wreaths, crafts and memories!

Here is picture for thought I am sharing... 

These are my grandparents.  They've been together for more than sixty years!  Isn't that amazing!  I love them to pieces and hope to live a life as full as they have.  I've always felt a special bond as the three of us are born within four days of each other and have always celebrated our birthdays together.  This picture was taken at the birthday supper at my parents'.

For Today… Tuesday, November 30th

Outside my window... It's once again pitch black.  Funny I started this in the few last minutes of naptime, hoping I'd have a better comment, however my littles awoke as soon as my fingers were poised to type (of course)!

I am thinking... how amazing it is that December starts tomorrow!  My favorite time of year!

I am thankful for... the fact that I finished the kids' advent calendar.  I splurged on Fisher Price toys: the Nativity set, the Inn set and the Wise Men set.  I then fashioned a hanging 18-shoe pocket organizer into an advent calendar with the four bigger items in gift bags, their numbers afixed.  So pleased!  I really want my boys to learn the meaning of Christmas, even if we're not a religious family. 

I am wearing... what I call my practical town clothes.  Nothing fancy, but new enough not to be relegated to ranch-wear only.  Long sleeve shirt and blue jeans.  Wow.   Wishing I had more winter skirts, but I'm building my wardrobe up slowly.   Love being a girl!

I am remembering...the excitement of using those cheap little chocolate advent calendars.  They have those too, let's just hope they like the nativity advent calendar as well (better yet, let's hope they like it even more, and it brings the story of the Navity alive for them.  Reaching even higher, I hope this can be the beginning of a new tradition for them to remember and anticipate and enjoy!)

I am going... to pick Tawny up from town as soon as my dear husband returns to care for the boys.  We're doing a little Christmas shopping tonight!

I am reading...Nanny Returns.  Nothing too deep, but fun and relaxing.  If it wasn't for the fact that my mom loaned it to me, I could very well be bookless.  Things are already busy!

I am hoping... I have time to get a good chunk of my work-related stuff done tonight, as well as the shopping, sensory bin (see below) and scrubbing the bath tub tonight.  Think I can do it?  Three guesses which one this procrastinator drops if necessary.  Actually, you may need the three guesses, cause the tub AND the work related stuff are almost equally unappealing.  Almost.  Have I mentioned how much I dislike scrubbing bath tubs?

From the learning rooms… Not too much to report really.  We only really do Tot School/Preschool when Silas doesn't need to nap as soon as Oliver (or I don't need the full hour and a half to myself to get a few things done!) so it hasn't happened too often lately.  I AM creating a new sensory bin tonight!  Christmas Theme (of course) and I'm pleased as the Fisher Price toys arrived in a ton of packing peanuts, which I've never had before.  Will be great to add to the bin!

Noticing that… 

From the kitchen… Butter Chicken in the crock pot!  Smells wonderful!  I've never made it in the crock pot before and I'm really looking forward to it.  I try and use the crock pot at least twice a week.

One of my favorite things: All things Christmas!  I always try and have a good chunk of my shopping done at this point so I might have more time to enjoy time decorating, baking and creating traditions and memories - especially with the little ones!

A few plans for the rest of the week:  Let's see, work tomorrow (a necessary evil as I get paid in free organic produce and at-cost organic dry goods and body products lol), followed by errands and work-trade with my mom on Thursday.  I helped her wash the walls and dust all the pictures and carvings in her main room at her house and so on Thursday she'll come to my house and take my boys for a walk and a visit with my sister so I can get some more organizing and maybe even wrapping done.  Kitchen cupboards on the to do list and possibly my oven!  Friday is StrongStart day - not sure which one I'll go to this week.  One has a more structured program and the other has 45 minute gym time.  Not sure which one will appeal more by then!  Saturday is baking day - must make a ton of cookies!   And when will I get the pine boughs and pine cones collected?  String up the new LED light string I bought for outside?  Saturday?  Perhaps.

A picture to share:  

I don't really consider myself crafty, but I did have a good time felting a simple cover for my new iPad recently.  The boys enjoyed it too.  Just wanted to share this litte tidbit!

FOR TODAY: November 23, 2010


Outside my window is pitch black, again.  Earlier though I would have seen a beautiful, cold, pale blue sky with a glittery sun.  Actually, there's an almost-full moon tonight, and it reflects beautifully off the snow.  It's so cold outside though, I'm afraid there's not a lot of time for contemplation or even admiration while outside before your fingers, toes and nose get too cold!

I am thinking I should go feed our wood stove one more time before bed . . . maybe he'll be warm enough to start easily in the morning.

I am thankful for my husband who chops wood every evening after a long day's work, then throws the blocks down the concrete steps into the basement so I don't have to go outside every time I need wood.

From the learning rooms: I've got Silas's Quiet Time nook semi-set up.  So far he's used it once - every other time he hasn't fallen asleep during nap time, we've been out of the house!  Still have a lot of cozy final touches to add, but I think it's going to work in the end!

From the kitchen: My wonderful husband did the dishes tonight - at least most of them.  He tends to overheat after a short while and gets too grumpy to finish up.  But most of them are done and I'll finish off the strays after breakfast tomorrow.  Yay!

I am wearing three shirts layered over one another.  I was out all day today and it was cold!
I am creating a calendar for Silas and I to use daily.  I'm just gonna wing it the old-fashioned way and create one from poster board and laminate a bunch of numbered squares we can dot-velcro on.

I am going to bed!  I'm so tired my eyes don't want to stay open.  But I was determined to get this done at least, I've been such a slacker as far as my blogs go.  Sigh.  My iPad is so wonderful, problem is I use it too much now!
I am reading Pride and Prejudice.  Free on my Free Books App.  Love it (the app, that is, I've only just started the book and can't say for sure!).

I am hoping the snow doesn't completely melt away this weekend when the temperatures rise again.  It fell, then dropped to -20 degrees Celcius, so my boys didn't get much chance to play in it.

I am hearing "How to Train Your Dragon".  It was left on when my husband went to go walk the dogs before bed.  Love that he loves that movie so much!

Around the house things are falling apart little by little.  Really want to say that I'm planning on staying home for the next week, but can't.  Prior commitments call.  Can't wait until Sunday, when I have three days in a row at home.

One of my favorite things has to be my iPad.  Sorry for repeating myself, but right now it's true.  I can have my writing, calendar, to do lists and routines, contacts, internet, reading - in short EVERYTHING - with me all the time!  Love that!

A few plans for the rest of the week:  Country Christmas in town this weekend and I am selling Usborne books at a booth in the Civic Centre Friday night and Saturday.
Here is picture for thought I am sharing... no picture today, maybe I'll add it later.  Why does it always turn out to be more complicated than it should be?


To join in with the daybook, or check out others, please see this link.

Some thoughts on Clothing

As I mentioned months (yes, months - you know how summers  go!), I wanted to talk about clothing and modesty.  I've spent the summer thinking about this a lot, whenever I found myself a few moments for a mind wonder (while doing dishes for example).  I view modesty as a way to exhibit your self-respect.  I don't do it because the Bible says it the right thing to do, but because I do.  By specifically setting a goal to dress modestly, despite the latest fashions, I feel more purposeful.  By dressing with modesty in mind, I feel more confident in myself and my appearance.

Additionally, another of my goals in modest dressing is to feel more feminine.  This is new for me, and a complete surprise!  The media is full of over-sexed goddesses wearing barely there clothing and they have everyone thinking that is femininity.  I've discovered that by wearing skirts, modest shirts and my hair in a feminine way, I feel more feminine.  Not girly, I mean a more grown up, beautiful, capable woman.  Who'd a thunk?

Here are few of the parameters I've set for myself.  Keep in mind that they are not hard and fast rules, merely guide lines.  One thing about setting absolute rules that I don't like is once you've set the bar, it's easier to look down on those who fall below it.  So here's what I've come up with during my summer time musings:

-Avoid tank tops, especially those with spaghetti straps.  I don't like seeing other people's underwear, I don't like showing mine off.  I do have a few of these still in my drawer, but I mostly confine myself to wearing them around home or with a sweater.
-No shorts.  I don't like shorts anyhow, so this wasn't really an issue for me.  One of the reasons I don't really like them is that if they're not super short, they seem so masculine.  I mean, long board shorts come down to the knee, but most of them, put on a man, wouldn't seem all that out of place.  So no shorts.
-Lots of skirts.  I'm not going to say that pants are off limits, but I'd like to wear skirts more days of the week than not.  With cold weather coming, I'm not sure I'll be able to keep this up especially as my budget is still limited and I mostly have light summer skirts.  But it is something to strive for.
-Modest pants.  Today this seems like an oxymoron, doesn't it?  I wear mid-rise jeans that aren't too tight around the seat and legs, that fit well and are in good repair.  I'm not interested in gaps around the middle!
-Shirt bottoms need to go well past the top of my pants and skirts.  Additionally, I'm only buying crew-neck shirts, or very modest v-necks.  Cleavage is not cool.   I'm slowly building up an inventory of these types of shirts, but I must say that long ones are much easier to find than crew neck styles!

I admit, I've made exceptions when it comes to weddings.  Mostly because I bought a pretty dress and a couple of dressy tank tops at the beginning of the season, just before I began to consider modest dressing and I just can't afford to buy new things whenever it pleases me.  To compensate, I wore them with a light wrap.  In the future I'll look to buy dressy clothes that fit in with my new guidelines.

As for nightwear, anything goes.  That's between me and my husband.  When I leave my room, I throw on an ankle length house coat and feel perfectly within my limits. For swimming I've not really put a ton of thought into this.  I don't swim much, and I don't wear bikinis.  I may, in the future sometime, buy a suit that is higher up in the front, but for now will make do with my one peice.  I usually have a sundress on over top when I'm not actually swimming anyhow.

It's also important for me to note that I've also been more lenient at home.  I have town clothes and at home clothes, I always have.  That's the only way I can make my clothing budget work.  Some things that I've deemed to short or too revealing have been relegated to home wear, and that works so far.  As more time goes by, I'll will probably lean toward making my entire wardrobe more modest.

Sot that's kind of how this whole thing has been working for me.  It's a bit of work in progress, I'm sure I'll be tweaking this as time passes.  I've been so surprised at how dressing intentionally has made me feel.  I walk taller, I'm more composed, I make an effort to keep my hair tidy and put make up on every day.  I never would have guessed that it would have that effect!  And I like it!  It's made me a better mom, and a better wife.  Everyone's happy!

Simple Woman's Day Book

FOR TODAY

Outside my window... it's completely dark . . . no time to blog during the day!

I am thinking... I should probably keep on working on my husband's wool product pamphlet for him.

I am thankful for... my warm house.  There's been a very cold wind today!

From the learning rooms...learning all about letters and their sounds.  My son is really loving this!

From the kitchen...stew, chard and biscuits keeping for when my poor hardworking husband gets home.

I am wearing... my warmest fuzzies.  Dear husbands wants to clean the chimney before I start lighting fires.

I am creating... a cozy nook for my three year old to spend his quiet times and/or alone times in my closet!

I am going... to have a long, hot bath with a good book before bed.  First I need to rotate toys and set up preschool workboxes and tot school trays.

I am reading... Sacajawea.  Good read, based on a true story, which is so interesting.

I am hoping... to get a lot of sleep tonight (sleep tight babies) so I feel more ambitious tomorrow.

I am hearing... complete silence (besides the computer and clock haha).  Such a wonderful thing after a busy day with a preschooler and a toddler.

Around the house... I need to pick up toys and tidy the living room.  And fold laundry.

One of my favorite things... hot tea with sugar during nap time.

A few plans for the rest of the week:  Strongstart tomorrow with the boys, work on Wednesday, baking on Thursday and the park on Friday.  Who knows what the weekend will bring?!


Please see this link for more day book entries.

My Goals: progress!

So, true to my word, I've been working on my goals.

It's hard to believe this could be a goal at all, really, showing more respect and appreciation for one's husband, but sadly, it's easy to fall in a rut where negativity snowballs into disdain, disregard and displeasure.  This doesn't mean I bow to his every wish, cater to his every little need, or ask for nothing for myself, but rather that I become more aware of the way I am viewing and thinking of him.   Specifically, I vowed to be more mindful of what he was saying.  If that meant stopping what I was doing so I could concentrate on his words, I did. In some cases, such if I was doing dishes, I would continue, but I met his eyes and watched his face while he talked.  By doing this, I was better able to ask questions and understand him and his day than if I listened with one ear while typing on the computer or reading a book.  A second way I'm working on respect is by being more aware of the way I talk to him, whether I am asking for a favor or some help or discussing our oldest daughter's curfew or disagreeing with something he's said.  There's a way to say almost everything that is still respectful.  As far as appreciation goes, I'm working on finding the things he does (rather than the things he doesn't).  I've also decided to start a gratitude diary in order to further this goal.  I find they really bring in a new atmosphere!

In order to further myself with this goal, I've picked up the book, The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide To Finding Intimacy, Passion and Peace at Amazon.ca.  I was somewhat dubious as I found this referenced many times on many Christian blogs, but the comments made about this book on both the blogs and on Amazon made me want to at least try it. I'm happy to say that it's really not biblical at all, nor is intended exclusively for those with strong religious faith.  It's not about putting your husband on a pedestal and catering to his every wish before he even thinks to wish for it, either.  In fact, it strongly advocates self-care as a way to be a better wife.  I found it had a lot of practical things to say and has made me look at my role as a wife and woman in  new light!

Surprisingly, spending less time on the computer has been a challenge for me!  I mostly go online to connect with others - mom forums, homemaker's blogs, weather, news and research that applies to my family's home and life.  I've had good days and bad days.  On the good days I get so much more done around my home, and my kids get so much more of me!  I can see it's truly an important goal, one which I need to deliberately work on.  I've loosely set a schedule where I go on the computer early in the morning (after breakfast for the boys) and last thing at night (when my kitchen is clean and the boys are sleeping), but I tend to go on often in between as well.  Maybe I need to start shutting the computer off at 8 am each morning?  Gulp.  It's probably the only thing to do . . .

Patience.  Ah, patience.  We have a love hate relationship!  I've found myself being more patient lately, and I've realized how intricately interwoven patience is with the rest of my life.  If I'm well rested, if the house is in fairly good order (for having so much activity in it all day!), if I keep up our daily routine so I can stay one step ahead of the kids' eating and sleeping needs, if we get outside a lot, if I'm involved (off and on) with their day, if my husband and I are on good terms and we have that 'love buzz' in the back of our minds, if I'm feeling productive and on top of things . . . patience isn't hard!  It's when I let my sleep needs go, or I spend too much time on the computer and brush my kids off for too long and the house fall apart etc. that I find it really hard to be patient with their regular small child behavior.  Which is really unfair, of course, as they are small children.  And of course, if it were easy, everyone would do it!  It wouldn't be a goal, it would just happen.  So, it brings to light how important it is for me to respect and appreciate my husband and to turn off the computer.  And take care of myself.  Maybe that should be a goal I add on?

I'm currently reading a book called Good and Angry: Exchanging Frustration for Character …in You and Your Kids! that talks about parenting and anger.  It has many references to the Bible and to God, but past that it also has a good message.  Anger is an indicator that something is wrong.  It means you need to take a closer look at what's happening, find the root of the problem and deal with it.  Getting angry just deals with the symptoms of the problem and does nothing to further a close, positive relationship with your children.  Look a little closer and see what can be done. That's as far as I've gotten in the book but stay tuned for more!

 I've especially been thinking about modesty as I've got a bit of extra money accumulated to buy myself some clothes (at long last!).  Why should I dress modestly?  Why do others dress modestly?  What kind of parameters does modesty have for me?  What about swimwear, around my house with the kids or at "dress-up" occasions such as weddings? Do I dress modestly for myself or for others?  To make some kind of anti-consumerist or anti-pop culture statement?  Once I have reached a few conclusions regarding my own personal set of do's and don'ts, how will I go about integrating them into my wardrobe on a very limited budget?

I've had a lot of questions and I'm just beginning to settle on some answers.  In fact, I think it's worth a post all on it's own, so I'll save the rest of my modestly thoughts and discoveries for the next post.  Stay tuned!

Where to Begin? Goals.

So after yesterday's rambling post, I'd like to make a few concrete goals to get me going.  But what?

After some considerable reflection (I typed that line yesterday for Pete's sake lol!), I've decided to divide it into categories.  There are many things in many areas I can work on, but these are the ones I think are most important right now:

As a wife I'd like to show more respect to and appreciation for my husband.  I want to focus on the things he does do, not the things he doesn't.  And I don't want to forget to appreciate him for who he is, not just what he does. I think I get to wrapped up in my life, and how I need help and support.  What about him?  He deals with stresses and disappointments and frustrations all day too.  If I feel like I need help and support, of course he will too.  I've been trying to focus on this aspect of our relationship in the  last few weeks already and I've noticed that the aura around us is much more positive already.

As a homemaker, I want to spend less time on the computer.  I get into these binges where I'm consumed with learning more about a certain topic that has caught my attention.  That wouldn't be too bad if it were just one topic every now and then, but it seems like one interesting topic leads to another, then another.  And I end up spending every spare second I can online, spare seconds I could be using to pay more attention to my home and family.  I want to relegate time spent on the computer to an hour early in the morning just after the kids are in bed and an hour in the evening (but only after I've completed my work-related tasks on the computer).   I have a daily routine that I have typed out and when I use them I feel SO on top of my house.  But often I let other diversions get in the way - ones that I don't think are more important - and the lists go to the way side.  I will revamp my lists in the near future to reflect what works best for me and the little ones and post them, if you'd like, then get back on track.

As a mother, I'm trying to be mindful of my patience.  I CAN control my temper.  I just need to be more aware of it.  I need to remember to question if it's really important.  If my expectations are appropriate for the child, for the time of day (when we're hungry or tired), for life in general.  I want to spend time with them, making memories, not just cleaning up after them.  Of course I need to keep up with housework, but that doesn't mean it's always the number one priority!

And as a woman, I'd like to learn more about modesty. I don't think it's necessary to go back to Little House on the Prairie, nor am I prepared to order a special 'swimming dress', but I want to investigate how I feel about wearing skirts and dresses.  Tank tops?  Shorts?  Necklines?  I go back and forth on all these issues, usually while I'm folding my clean clothes, or getting dressed in the morning.  "If I decided wearing tank tops wasn't okay, I couldn't wear this,"  or "If I could afford it, I would buy more skirts, but that's not in the budget right now, what to do?".  I think I'm already fairly modest compared to many, so this may be less important than I think.  I'd like to explore this more, probably mostly online and figure out what modesty means to me and why I think it's important.

So with those four goals in mind, I'm going to get about my day, and my life.  I think these are very attainable goals, and I will work on them diligently and reflect on them in the beginning of August.  I'll get back to you then!

Blog Musing

Why is it so hard to find a blog or a website that talks about femininity in a secular manner? Are Christian women the only ones who value being female? Or is every non-Christian woman a feminist? Can a secular woman be proud of her role as wife, mom and homemaker in non-religious settings? If a non-believer choses to dress modestly and trust her husband completely, does it matter?  Does it mean anything?

This is my blog about my journey in developing characteristics similar to those of a traditional feminine Christian woman (think Titus 2, but I'm not sure I'll go that far), less the Christian part. I think it really says something that I'm unwilling to share this blog with friends or connect it with other blogs I post. I'm not comfortable yet sharing with everyone that I want to be that fifties housewife who depends on her husband, and who's life revolves around caring for him, their children and their home.

And before we go any further, I'd like to say that if you are a Christian and you find this blog offensive in any way, please accept my most sincere apologies.  If anything on here is offensive, please understand I don't mean it to be.  If you love God and live life for Him, I'm so very happy for you.  I just don't have that kind of faith, nor am I prepared to.   So there.  I'm not going to defend myself against becoming a believer, and I certainly won't be doing any bashing of any religion.  I'm not a Christian, and I don't dislike those that are, I just want a blog full of inspiration, ideas and information that doesn't focus on the Bible or God.  I couldn't find one that fit my vision, so, like the Little Red Hen, I'm doing it myself. 

I'm not there yet! I struggle with the usual whining about not having any "Me Time" (which obviously I must have or I wouldn't have time to write this or my other blogs!), resentment about cleaning up after a grown man (although he's not unusually slothenly or careless, just a little oblivious at times) and confusion about whether this is really what I want. I think it is what I want. I mean, I want the ideal happy, sheltered haven for my family, the happy, polite and creative children and a strong loving man that never lets me down. Life just isn't always like that, is all. I'm coming to see a lot of it is about time management and priorities, which seems really pat, but also has a lot of truth.

Why do I want this? If it's not because 'the Bible says', then why? Honestly, I think I want this for many of the same reasons traditional Christian women might. Of course I can't speak for them, nor do I want to make assumptions, but don't all of us do what we feel is right? And if we don't, shouldn't we?

Ever since I was small, I've wanted to be the kind of mom who makes a house a home for her family. And about the same time I came to know this, I also knew that it wasn't something I could share. I felt a lot of pressure to 'be someone', not 'just a mom'. I liked to draw houseplans, so I chose a career as a drafting technologist. Not a good match. So, after a year or two of wondering and helping my family business, I chose a career as Early Childhood Educator. I like kids, I liked making their days better. It was a good match, but all wrong at the same time. I believed that kids belonged at home with their mothers unless absolutely not possible. How could I replace a mother's touch? Every time a child raced gleefully toward her mom at the end of the day, I felt a vague sense of guilt knowing that I didn't love that child as much as her mom did nor did I understand and cherish all her quirks and squeaks. I couldn't make a day better for any child more than a mom could.  I felt like a hypocrite working in a daycare center.

I feel very strongly that children need, above all, to feel loved. That it should be part of their every move. Young children are just learning what love looks like, how it plays out in every day life. Who better to teach a toddler about love than their mom? How could a hired replacement be any kind of substitute? It was with great relief when I became pregnant with my first child and had a 'reason' to stay home. Now, finally, I felt like the life I secretly wanted could begin.

But it didn't all fall into place. Things are getting progressively better, but originally, the enormity of the task of keeping a home tidy AND clean while caring for a newborn was overwhelming. After years of doing dishes when we ran out, or vacuuming when I got time (not often!) and only changing the sheets when I noticed they were dirty, I found it tricky - to say the least - to transform my house into the one of my fantasies. Things are coming along, I've got some basic routines and methods down.  As far as the relationship between my husband and I, well, I had a lot of adjusting to do. And it's only recently that I began to consider surrendering my will. I don't know how else to say it, and it sounds odd (and Christian?!), but I think surrendering my will to his will make our marriage stronger. I've always had rock solid faith in his ability to love me and fight for our relationship and young family. But I want more.

So I've been searching.  Now I think I know what more is.  I just need some inspiration, some role models, and some accountability.  Hence the blog.  I'll be linking up with other posts (secular and non-Christian) that sit well with me.  I'll be posting plans and goals and my progress towards them.  I'm not going to say that I'll provide anyone else with inspiration, but I'd like to think that I'd at least demonstrate a way of life that just might provide a model for a secular someone else.  Or maybe not.  I'll be exploring what it means to be a secular, feminine homemaker in today's mainstream femininist society.  Maybe I'll find some answers to all my questions, some new ways to provide that haven of a home for my family.  Maybe you'll discover all this right along with me.  I hope you do.