My Goals: progress!

So, true to my word, I've been working on my goals.

It's hard to believe this could be a goal at all, really, showing more respect and appreciation for one's husband, but sadly, it's easy to fall in a rut where negativity snowballs into disdain, disregard and displeasure.  This doesn't mean I bow to his every wish, cater to his every little need, or ask for nothing for myself, but rather that I become more aware of the way I am viewing and thinking of him.   Specifically, I vowed to be more mindful of what he was saying.  If that meant stopping what I was doing so I could concentrate on his words, I did. In some cases, such if I was doing dishes, I would continue, but I met his eyes and watched his face while he talked.  By doing this, I was better able to ask questions and understand him and his day than if I listened with one ear while typing on the computer or reading a book.  A second way I'm working on respect is by being more aware of the way I talk to him, whether I am asking for a favor or some help or discussing our oldest daughter's curfew or disagreeing with something he's said.  There's a way to say almost everything that is still respectful.  As far as appreciation goes, I'm working on finding the things he does (rather than the things he doesn't).  I've also decided to start a gratitude diary in order to further this goal.  I find they really bring in a new atmosphere!

In order to further myself with this goal, I've picked up the book, The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide To Finding Intimacy, Passion and Peace at Amazon.ca.  I was somewhat dubious as I found this referenced many times on many Christian blogs, but the comments made about this book on both the blogs and on Amazon made me want to at least try it. I'm happy to say that it's really not biblical at all, nor is intended exclusively for those with strong religious faith.  It's not about putting your husband on a pedestal and catering to his every wish before he even thinks to wish for it, either.  In fact, it strongly advocates self-care as a way to be a better wife.  I found it had a lot of practical things to say and has made me look at my role as a wife and woman in  new light!

Surprisingly, spending less time on the computer has been a challenge for me!  I mostly go online to connect with others - mom forums, homemaker's blogs, weather, news and research that applies to my family's home and life.  I've had good days and bad days.  On the good days I get so much more done around my home, and my kids get so much more of me!  I can see it's truly an important goal, one which I need to deliberately work on.  I've loosely set a schedule where I go on the computer early in the morning (after breakfast for the boys) and last thing at night (when my kitchen is clean and the boys are sleeping), but I tend to go on often in between as well.  Maybe I need to start shutting the computer off at 8 am each morning?  Gulp.  It's probably the only thing to do . . .

Patience.  Ah, patience.  We have a love hate relationship!  I've found myself being more patient lately, and I've realized how intricately interwoven patience is with the rest of my life.  If I'm well rested, if the house is in fairly good order (for having so much activity in it all day!), if I keep up our daily routine so I can stay one step ahead of the kids' eating and sleeping needs, if we get outside a lot, if I'm involved (off and on) with their day, if my husband and I are on good terms and we have that 'love buzz' in the back of our minds, if I'm feeling productive and on top of things . . . patience isn't hard!  It's when I let my sleep needs go, or I spend too much time on the computer and brush my kids off for too long and the house fall apart etc. that I find it really hard to be patient with their regular small child behavior.  Which is really unfair, of course, as they are small children.  And of course, if it were easy, everyone would do it!  It wouldn't be a goal, it would just happen.  So, it brings to light how important it is for me to respect and appreciate my husband and to turn off the computer.  And take care of myself.  Maybe that should be a goal I add on?

I'm currently reading a book called Good and Angry: Exchanging Frustration for Character …in You and Your Kids! that talks about parenting and anger.  It has many references to the Bible and to God, but past that it also has a good message.  Anger is an indicator that something is wrong.  It means you need to take a closer look at what's happening, find the root of the problem and deal with it.  Getting angry just deals with the symptoms of the problem and does nothing to further a close, positive relationship with your children.  Look a little closer and see what can be done. That's as far as I've gotten in the book but stay tuned for more!

 I've especially been thinking about modesty as I've got a bit of extra money accumulated to buy myself some clothes (at long last!).  Why should I dress modestly?  Why do others dress modestly?  What kind of parameters does modesty have for me?  What about swimwear, around my house with the kids or at "dress-up" occasions such as weddings? Do I dress modestly for myself or for others?  To make some kind of anti-consumerist or anti-pop culture statement?  Once I have reached a few conclusions regarding my own personal set of do's and don'ts, how will I go about integrating them into my wardrobe on a very limited budget?

I've had a lot of questions and I'm just beginning to settle on some answers.  In fact, I think it's worth a post all on it's own, so I'll save the rest of my modestly thoughts and discoveries for the next post.  Stay tuned!

Where to Begin? Goals.

So after yesterday's rambling post, I'd like to make a few concrete goals to get me going.  But what?

After some considerable reflection (I typed that line yesterday for Pete's sake lol!), I've decided to divide it into categories.  There are many things in many areas I can work on, but these are the ones I think are most important right now:

As a wife I'd like to show more respect to and appreciation for my husband.  I want to focus on the things he does do, not the things he doesn't.  And I don't want to forget to appreciate him for who he is, not just what he does. I think I get to wrapped up in my life, and how I need help and support.  What about him?  He deals with stresses and disappointments and frustrations all day too.  If I feel like I need help and support, of course he will too.  I've been trying to focus on this aspect of our relationship in the  last few weeks already and I've noticed that the aura around us is much more positive already.

As a homemaker, I want to spend less time on the computer.  I get into these binges where I'm consumed with learning more about a certain topic that has caught my attention.  That wouldn't be too bad if it were just one topic every now and then, but it seems like one interesting topic leads to another, then another.  And I end up spending every spare second I can online, spare seconds I could be using to pay more attention to my home and family.  I want to relegate time spent on the computer to an hour early in the morning just after the kids are in bed and an hour in the evening (but only after I've completed my work-related tasks on the computer).   I have a daily routine that I have typed out and when I use them I feel SO on top of my house.  But often I let other diversions get in the way - ones that I don't think are more important - and the lists go to the way side.  I will revamp my lists in the near future to reflect what works best for me and the little ones and post them, if you'd like, then get back on track.

As a mother, I'm trying to be mindful of my patience.  I CAN control my temper.  I just need to be more aware of it.  I need to remember to question if it's really important.  If my expectations are appropriate for the child, for the time of day (when we're hungry or tired), for life in general.  I want to spend time with them, making memories, not just cleaning up after them.  Of course I need to keep up with housework, but that doesn't mean it's always the number one priority!

And as a woman, I'd like to learn more about modesty. I don't think it's necessary to go back to Little House on the Prairie, nor am I prepared to order a special 'swimming dress', but I want to investigate how I feel about wearing skirts and dresses.  Tank tops?  Shorts?  Necklines?  I go back and forth on all these issues, usually while I'm folding my clean clothes, or getting dressed in the morning.  "If I decided wearing tank tops wasn't okay, I couldn't wear this,"  or "If I could afford it, I would buy more skirts, but that's not in the budget right now, what to do?".  I think I'm already fairly modest compared to many, so this may be less important than I think.  I'd like to explore this more, probably mostly online and figure out what modesty means to me and why I think it's important.

So with those four goals in mind, I'm going to get about my day, and my life.  I think these are very attainable goals, and I will work on them diligently and reflect on them in the beginning of August.  I'll get back to you then!

Blog Musing

Why is it so hard to find a blog or a website that talks about femininity in a secular manner? Are Christian women the only ones who value being female? Or is every non-Christian woman a feminist? Can a secular woman be proud of her role as wife, mom and homemaker in non-religious settings? If a non-believer choses to dress modestly and trust her husband completely, does it matter?  Does it mean anything?

This is my blog about my journey in developing characteristics similar to those of a traditional feminine Christian woman (think Titus 2, but I'm not sure I'll go that far), less the Christian part. I think it really says something that I'm unwilling to share this blog with friends or connect it with other blogs I post. I'm not comfortable yet sharing with everyone that I want to be that fifties housewife who depends on her husband, and who's life revolves around caring for him, their children and their home.

And before we go any further, I'd like to say that if you are a Christian and you find this blog offensive in any way, please accept my most sincere apologies.  If anything on here is offensive, please understand I don't mean it to be.  If you love God and live life for Him, I'm so very happy for you.  I just don't have that kind of faith, nor am I prepared to.   So there.  I'm not going to defend myself against becoming a believer, and I certainly won't be doing any bashing of any religion.  I'm not a Christian, and I don't dislike those that are, I just want a blog full of inspiration, ideas and information that doesn't focus on the Bible or God.  I couldn't find one that fit my vision, so, like the Little Red Hen, I'm doing it myself. 

I'm not there yet! I struggle with the usual whining about not having any "Me Time" (which obviously I must have or I wouldn't have time to write this or my other blogs!), resentment about cleaning up after a grown man (although he's not unusually slothenly or careless, just a little oblivious at times) and confusion about whether this is really what I want. I think it is what I want. I mean, I want the ideal happy, sheltered haven for my family, the happy, polite and creative children and a strong loving man that never lets me down. Life just isn't always like that, is all. I'm coming to see a lot of it is about time management and priorities, which seems really pat, but also has a lot of truth.

Why do I want this? If it's not because 'the Bible says', then why? Honestly, I think I want this for many of the same reasons traditional Christian women might. Of course I can't speak for them, nor do I want to make assumptions, but don't all of us do what we feel is right? And if we don't, shouldn't we?

Ever since I was small, I've wanted to be the kind of mom who makes a house a home for her family. And about the same time I came to know this, I also knew that it wasn't something I could share. I felt a lot of pressure to 'be someone', not 'just a mom'. I liked to draw houseplans, so I chose a career as a drafting technologist. Not a good match. So, after a year or two of wondering and helping my family business, I chose a career as Early Childhood Educator. I like kids, I liked making their days better. It was a good match, but all wrong at the same time. I believed that kids belonged at home with their mothers unless absolutely not possible. How could I replace a mother's touch? Every time a child raced gleefully toward her mom at the end of the day, I felt a vague sense of guilt knowing that I didn't love that child as much as her mom did nor did I understand and cherish all her quirks and squeaks. I couldn't make a day better for any child more than a mom could.  I felt like a hypocrite working in a daycare center.

I feel very strongly that children need, above all, to feel loved. That it should be part of their every move. Young children are just learning what love looks like, how it plays out in every day life. Who better to teach a toddler about love than their mom? How could a hired replacement be any kind of substitute? It was with great relief when I became pregnant with my first child and had a 'reason' to stay home. Now, finally, I felt like the life I secretly wanted could begin.

But it didn't all fall into place. Things are getting progressively better, but originally, the enormity of the task of keeping a home tidy AND clean while caring for a newborn was overwhelming. After years of doing dishes when we ran out, or vacuuming when I got time (not often!) and only changing the sheets when I noticed they were dirty, I found it tricky - to say the least - to transform my house into the one of my fantasies. Things are coming along, I've got some basic routines and methods down.  As far as the relationship between my husband and I, well, I had a lot of adjusting to do. And it's only recently that I began to consider surrendering my will. I don't know how else to say it, and it sounds odd (and Christian?!), but I think surrendering my will to his will make our marriage stronger. I've always had rock solid faith in his ability to love me and fight for our relationship and young family. But I want more.

So I've been searching.  Now I think I know what more is.  I just need some inspiration, some role models, and some accountability.  Hence the blog.  I'll be linking up with other posts (secular and non-Christian) that sit well with me.  I'll be posting plans and goals and my progress towards them.  I'm not going to say that I'll provide anyone else with inspiration, but I'd like to think that I'd at least demonstrate a way of life that just might provide a model for a secular someone else.  Or maybe not.  I'll be exploring what it means to be a secular, feminine homemaker in today's mainstream femininist society.  Maybe I'll find some answers to all my questions, some new ways to provide that haven of a home for my family.  Maybe you'll discover all this right along with me.  I hope you do.